It is so baffling that you just cannot come to terms with it. Gone are the days when starry-eyed your husband transported you to heaven by swearing that his very life depended on that smile of yours. Now his coldness has wiped away the smile from your face. Gone, too, are the days when mere sagging of your step chilled his heart. Now, even if you are drooping with fatigue, he has no eyes to see.
Tell your husband to come home early as you wish to spend the evening with some of your school friends and he is sure to be caught in a traffic jam but when a friend of his asks for some help he will do the near-impossible for him in time. Ask him to buy something for you on his way home and right enough, he will forget it. If you quiz him on Sensex figures over the past few months, pat comes every answer. Wear something trendy and eye-catching and he won't even notice it but let him see a passer-by in a smart outfit and he will be dazzled by her looks.
It hurts and mystifies you, for you just cannot understand how to deal with this enigmatic personality, this male version of Mary-Mary-Quite-Contrary that is your husband but do not be alarmed. You have just to gain some insight into a man's nature to find out the reason for his behaviour.
"A man's heart," it is said, "is a sanctuary where he enshrines only one but there are several antechambers that are seldom vacant." These words, written by a wise guy, say it all.
Now that you are securely lodged in the sanctuary of his heart, he finds no reason for wooing you any longer but directs his attention to making forays into the world around to fill his vacant antechambers. Not understanding his needs, you feel neglected but there's no reason for fear, lady. No reason at all! From your exalted position you can still keep him close to you and here's how:
Nagging is a mortal offence in marriage. Do not ever provoke your husband by saying, "Why did you hide your real face behind a mask before marriage? Had I known what kind of a person you are, I would never have married you." Such words can only send a marriage hurtling down to the point of no return.
HANDLE MALE EGO TACTFULLY
The male ego is a fragile thing which needs to be handled with care rather than crushed under your heel. Diminishing his image hurts his self-esteem as nothing else does. It is something no man will tolerate. So, instead of traversing the negative path of nagging and wounding, try the positive approach of healing, and winning over with wiles and smiles and see for yourself how effective it is.
A niece of mine once tackled an electric repair job on her own when repeated requests and reminders to her husband did not succeed in getting it done. That evening in front of some friends, she had a different story to tell. "Oh Ralph fixed it up for me and now the gadget is working perfectly. He is very good at such jobs," she said, much to my surprise.
Later, in response to my puzzled queries, she offered me an explanation, "If I had said that I had done it on my own, it would have hurt Ralph's pride and he would have been grumpy for days together attacking me all the while for running him down. I would rather let him take the credit for what he hasn't done than live with a sulking husband. These words are revealing and show how important it is not to run down your husband or expose his sins of omission and commission in front of others.
The male ego needs to be pampered and what better way can there be than for the wife to lose a little in order to soothe and coddle that bundle of contradictions that is her husband?
Your husband may win kudos for being a live wire at work and so helpful to everyone around, but at home he is only a couch potato that will not stir. You feel rattled when your son raises a hue and cry that Dad has not repaired his bicycle. Tempted though you are to attack him, do not ever say, "That's your Dad. He has time to do everybody's jobs but not ours." It may be perfectly true but giving voice to such feelings is setting your own house on fire.
Try a mild challenge instead and say, "I don't think Dad's up to it. It must be far too complicated for him, otherwise he would have done it before this. Let's take it to the cycle repair shop this evening and get it fixed." Unable to tolerate this question mark on his abilities, he is sure to bristle up and respond, "Who says I'm not up to it? Here, let me see what's wrong," and while he tries to prove his worth, you'll get the work. done. Do you wish to have your husband's help or expertise in something you are planning to do, but are afraid to request him because he may perversely turn you down? Just pretend to the contrary and act as if you don't need his help at all. His pride will be hurt and he will rush to your aid.
"Our mixie is giving trouble and there's an exchange offer. I'm going this evening to get another one. I hope you'll be at home when the children come back," says Michelle cleverly planning her move.
"You can't go and buy a mixie on your own. You may get duped," objects her husband. "Of course not. Do you think I'm so gullible?" "No, no. Such purchases need attention. I'll come with you," he insists in spite of protests and Michelle cleverly gets what she wants. Perverse moods can be confronted with tricky moves and your objective can be achieved without a word of nagging.
Defeating your husband at his own game is not everything. You need to woo him too, actively, fervently and craftily. Do you remember your courtship days when you were so eager to look your best? You spent hours picking and choosing your clothes, trying different hairstyles before the mirror and looking for ornaments that would enhance your looks. All your energies were directed towards enchanting him by looking gorgeous. Do you do that now?
When I reminded a young woman a few days ago that she was neglecting her looks, she replied, "Who cares? I'm married now." Being married is all the more reason for nursing that hour glass figure and those dewy fresh looks with which you had cast a spell on your husband-to-be.
For the twin reasons that a man can never forget the image of the woman he fell for and loves to show her off to the world you need to sport those good looks at all times.
Marriage is no licence for dowdy figures, unkempt hair and frowning faces. Not lovers alone but husbands too need to be charmed by good looks. So, go for that stunning figure and winning ways you once had and your husband will always be the lover that he was.
BETTER INITIATION
"If my wife is in a good mood I stay at home, if not, I just walk away," says one husband. No man enjoys the company of a shrewish, bawling, complaining wife. So, to keep your husband by your side, put zing into his day with your upbeat mood. Wipe off that scowl from your face and put a smile in its place. Look cheerful, act cheerful, have a spring in your step and a tinkle in your tone, especially when your husband is in a foul mood. Do not let his grumpiness infect you but let your lightheartedness brighten him and he will bless you as the mood-enhancer he can't stay away from.
"My husband and I quarrel often and very bitterly too and when it comes to making up, both of us are too proud to initiate the first move. So, do you know what we do?" asks a long-married friend of mine. "After a while one of us narrates a few jokes or tells a funny story to the children within the other's hearing and as bright laughter breaks out, moods mellow and differences are forgotten.
Finding reasons and occasions to laugh aloud and often, is a good way of keeping up a joyous tempo in the house. Infectious and amnesic as it is, lots of laughter around can thaw the icy coldness that freezes a couple's feelings.
The beginning of marriage need not signal the end of romance. Marriage needs a lot of sugar and spice to make it palatable and romance is what makes it deliciously sweet and tangy. So, relive all those happenings in your courtship that meant so much to both of you, speak of them and celebrate them, for love can be kept alive by fond memories. Take time off from work, household duties and children to sit side by side in the moonlight, or to just walk down the lane far from the madding crowd.
A simple holding of hands, a meaningful meeting of eyes and sweet nothings whispered into each other's ear is what love feeds upon and marriage thrives on a diet of love. So, always remember that romance in marriage is the surest way of seeing that your husband is not overly eager to fill the many antechambers of his heart.
The same faces, the same voices, the same surroundings can well bore anyone as the years roll by. So, to drive away monotony from your marriage take care to see that your life does not revolve just round the cooking range and the washing machine but bring some novelty into your home life. Rearrange the rooms, give them a new look by redecorating them, arrange picnics and outings, attend a concert or two with your husband and spend time in recreational places whenever you can.
So also try some surprises by varying the type of meals you serve, the kind of clothes you wear and the routine you stick to. Every little change can help to drive away boredom and bring novelty into your days and every successful change will make your rating soar in your husband's eyes. If you are a torch that lights up your marriage, your husband will flutter round you like an insect round the light.
TEMPT WITH FOOD
That the route to a man's heart is through his stomach is a truism that is ancient but can never age. To keep that enigmatic husband of hers from straying away, a wife needs to be adept at cooking.
"I hate to cook," "It's so tiring and boring," and "Why bother?" are all excuses that can drive a man away from home and wife. Food is the sustenance of life and love and in the uneven war between man and woman it is the unfailing weapon Nature has given a woman to win over her husband.
Why not make use of it and tempt your man with mouth-watering preparations? Time and effort spent on it are sure to earn rich dividends in the business of marriage.
Husbands are not made to order and we have to make do with what we have. Wishing you had a perfect husband is like longing for the moon. Sighing for one who will always dance to your tune is asking for a henpecked one which is an aberration in marriage. So, what is the way out?
Considering that variety is the spice of life, a flawless husband would not solve any problem as you would still be wanting to find fault with somebody. But, why not accept with grace what is yours? If he is difficult, try to tame him, if he is aloof, try to win him over, and if he is on the rampage, try to woo him back. This will give you enough to do with never a dull or boring moment in your married life. What more can you ask for?
About the Author - Michael Douglas is a relationship expert and a marriage counseler. He provides tips and advice on how to keep love alive and put the romance back in your marriage and relationships. Adopt his recipe for a happy marriage to build healthy and successful relationships forever!
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